Flossin’

It’s been a while since I’ve written for mental_floss magazine, but now we’re reunited, and feels so good.

11 Insane Features of the Normal Human Anatomy 

6 Extremely Rare National Animals

12 Violinists Known for Something Else

Three from the future*:

11 Notes on Alfred W. Lawson, Founder of the Weirdest University Ever

Thomas Edison’s Eccentric Job Interview Questions — A Cheat Sheet 

12 Underappreciated (But Equally Precious) Bodily Fluids

And one from the vault:

When Propaganda Backfires (reprinted on neatorama)

Look for my commissioned piece on the Berenstain Bears in next month’s paper issue. And more blogs like these *EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK.


Published in Two Languages

As of May, 2011, yours truly has been published in a real, hold-in-your-hands, paper-and-binding book, which has been translated into ONE language other than English. Guess which one. Italian. You nailed it.

The book in question is titled A While Back: Sarà stato il succo di carota (It Was the Carrot Juice), and was authored primarily by one Mr. Clark Sandford, who, in addition to being an engaging storyteller, talented actor, skilled carpenter, and former fisherman/longshoreman/ferry boater/chiropterist, is also an awesome dad. I should know.

The book contains 20 chapters of real* stories from Mr. Sandford’s colorful 50+ years on Earth, and due to his colloquial, perhaps “cowboy-esque” style of storytelling, English professor Jodi Sandford of the University of Perugia thought that the collection would be a perfect tool with which to teach Italian students American English the way Americans speak it. And A While Back was born.

My participation in the project began over 27 years ago when I was born, and, as such, became a character in Mr. Sandford’s repertoire of tall tales. Some time later, after he started writing his stories down, he would often email them to me for my opinion. On a few occasions, I wrote back more than he had bargained for: a disagreement with his recollection of events, an additional remembrance, a verbose, daughterly opinion. Several of my participatory replies are included in the collection as well, and that, my pretties, is the deal with this book. It’s now in its sixth printing, by Morlacchi Editions.

*Mr. Sandford explains, of each piece, “This story is presented as neither fact nor truth. It’s just the way I remember it.”


The Half-Dog Story, in Full.

Remember when I mentioned that story in Paper Darts’ 3rd Issue, called “Sheba”…? Why here it is now.

Click Image to enlarge. Click again to enlarge again.

And here I am reading it, on “Radio Dispatch with John & Molly” (29:10)


Like, Totally a Sports Writer

The National Onion./A.V. Club gave a nod to my piece on the epic 1987 Twins’ epic Facial Hair, so I thought I would too.

UPDATE: AV Club Twin Cities’ links currently down. Replacement links coming soon.


New Agey B.S.

It is the end of an era.

For a good while now, I have been writing horoscopes for the masses at Comedy Central’s mobile site. We called it Uncle Louie’s Crystal Balls. As of a few months ago, Uncle Louie went out of business, but you can still visit him and his fellow astrologers Suzanne Mekulvic and P. Perp the Prophet Talker, frozen in time, because the internet is forever.

The upside: now that Uncle Louie’s LLC is no more, you can get our back stock of horoscopes (previously only available via a subscription with T-mobile), upon request! By which I mean I can show you writing samples of them, informally and without compensation. Here are a few. There are literally thousands more where that came from.

The second upside…? I’m still writing quizzes for Comedy Central (among other things), doing my part to keep productivity down across the United States and Canada. Here’s one. And here’s one. Oh, here’s another one.

Go forth, into truth and not into ignorance.


My story published in Paper Darts, Issue 3

Straight cocktail loungin' at Honey

The newest news: Paper Darts, Issue 3!Grab yourself a copy of the magazine because it’s gorgeous in word and in picture, and because you can there read my story, “Sheba,” which is about a half dog. Read it here.

At the launch party, I read two new pieces, one called “An Address to my Fellow Residents of Surrency, GA, On July the 25th, 1866,” and another called “Mermaid Explains Your Tongue to You.” They may appear in Paper Darts Issue 4–keep an eye out.

And check out the work of the other folks who read at the party (HINT: they’re also in this issue), if you are interested in such topics as punk rock, apocalyptic pick-up lines, and what happens when you see butts from your bike.